Defining the experience
What counts as perinatal loss?
Perinatal loss refers to the death of a baby or the end of the pregnancy during the perinatal period — from conception through to the end of the first year of life. However, the grief and trauma surrounding perinatal loss extend far beyond clinical definitions. It encompasses the loss of hopes, identities, relationships, and futures that were already being created.
If you are grieving or struggling after a loss, your experience is real and valid, regardless of how early it occurred, how it happened, or what others have said about it.
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The loss of a pregnancy before 24 weeks is known as a miscarriage. Miscarriage is the most common form of pregnancy loss, yet it is often minimised. The grief and trauma experienced are real and valid at any stage.
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The death of a baby after 24 weeks of pregnancy is termed stillbirth. This sad experience of loss carries profound grief and often leads to significant trauma.
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The death of a baby within the first 28 days of life. Grief is often deeply intertwined with the trauma of medical settings, NICU environments, and sudden or unexpected loss.
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Ending a pregnancy, regardless of the circumstances, is always a difficult decision. This experience often involves complex emotions such as grief, relief, guilt, and loss. Each of these feelings is valid and deserves the care and support it deserves.
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The loss of an embryo, unsuccessful cycle, or pregnancy during IVF or assisted conception carries its own particular grief — shaped by the hope, effort, and investment that led to that moment. This loss is real and often deeply isolating.
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The sudden and unexpected death of a baby or infant is one of the most devastating losses imaginable. Grief in this context is often accompanied by deep shock and trauma.
““The reality is that you will grieve forever. You will not get over the loss of a loved one; you will learn to live with it.””
Why perinatal grief is different.
Perinatal loss is a type of grief that often goes unnoticed by others. There may not be a funeral, no shared memories, and friends or colleagues who are unaware of the situation. You might hear comments encouraging you to be grateful for what you have or dismissing your loss by saying it was "just" an early pregnancy.
This form of disenfranchised grief, grief that is not recognised by those around you, can make the experience feel even more isolating. You may find yourself grieving not only for the baby or pregnancy but also for the identity of becoming a parent, the future you had envisioned, and sometimes even your sense of trust in your own body.
It's important to understand that there is no right way to grieve, and there is no set timeline for healing.
“Losing my baby meant I suddenly felt as though I had lost a sense of purpose. I struggled to find the meaning of who I was as an individual and where I go from here. It's almost like an identity shift...”
Client’s Experience
Perinatal loss & trauma.
For many people, perinatal loss is not only associated with grief — it coexists with the experience of loss being traumatic. This is particularly common when the loss occurred suddenly, in a medical setting, or involved a traumatic birth or delivery. Post-traumatic stress responses are a normal reaction to an abnormal and devastating experience.
You might be experiencing some of the following:
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Re-experiencing the trauma means that memories of the event play over and over in your mind. These unwanted memories can return as images, flashbacks during the day or as nightmares at night.
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Trauma has a powerful effect on how we think. Many people blame themselves for what happened and begin to think negatively about themselves and their bodies. You may replay events and wonder what you could have done differently, even when nothing was within your control. Feeling ashamed, low in mood and withdrawn are common experiences associated with perinatal loss and trauma.
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A normal human way of dealing with physical or emotional pain is to avoid it. Avoiding people, places, or topics that are reminders of the loss — including pregnant friends or baby news. You might try very hard to distract yourself to avoid thinking about what happened.
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It is common to feel 'on edge' after experiencing trauma, and these feelings can last longer than expected. You may find it challenging to relax and notice that your sleep is disrupted. Symptoms may include a heightened sense of threat, difficulty in relaxing, and persistent worry, particularly concerning future pregnancies.
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A deep yearning for the baby or pregnancy lost — a pain that can feel overwhelming, and that those around you may not completely understand
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Feelings of rage toward the situation, medical professionals, others who are pregnant or have healthy babies, and even towards yourself—often unexpected, confusing, and difficult to understand.
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Feeling as though no one around you truly understands what you're experiencing can lead to a painful sense of disconnection, even from those closest to you, including your partner.